Domestic abuse victims don’t deserve blame
The video release of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice assaulting his now wife, Janay, sparked much debate across the news and social media about intimate partner violence.
This very public debate grew even more heated when Janay spoke out defending Ray and criticizing her own behavior. Then the blame game began, with the victim receiving the brunt of the blows yet again. “The focus should be on holding the perpetrator of the abuse accountable. Blaming the victim is not helpful,” says Judy Petrushka, domestic outreach specialist at Advocate Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove, Ill.
Although having this behavior play out on a public stage with public figures has been positive in terms of shedding light on the issue of intimate partner violence, Petrushka says it’s also been negatively charged with misinformation and victim blaming.
The insensitive and uneducated conversations happening on news stations where people are joking and blaming Janay, and victims in general, for staying in an abusive relationship are hard for Petrushka to hear.
“Staying in an abusive relationship, especially given the lack of resources and social supports for many, should never be read as accepting abuse,” explains Petrushka.
Leaving isn’t easy
Most think the simple solution to the problem is to just leave. Leaving, cautions Petrushka, is never as easy as you might think. Several factors come into play. Physical safety is a huge concern, especially when someone makes the decision to go.
“The most dangerous time for a victim is when she is leaving. The abuser is losing his control, and it’s the time when victims are most likely to be seriously hurt or killed,” says Petrushka.
There’s the emotional piece that plays a key role as well. Consider that the victim loves her partner and the couple may have children together, joint bank accounts, a house, etc., and the abuser may threaten that she will have nothing if she leaves.
Petrushka points out that there is also a long list of barriers. According to the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, some of the barriers include:
- Belief that the abuse is their fault
- Shame and guilt in large part due to societal victim blaming
- Cultural/religious/family pressures to stay together
- Connection to and concern for the partner’s well-being (fear that a partner will be arrested, jailed, etc., which could affect finances, kids or spur retaliation)
What role we play
“Seeking to understand the many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships can help us to be better mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends and co-workers to the people in our lives that may find themselves in an abusive relationship,” says Petrushka.
Another way we can help is by taking responsibility, as a society, whether incidents are happening in the public eye or behind closed doors, to raise awareness and provide the appropriate support.
“News reporting and social media has been very important in challenging the NFL’s response to this situation and in giving victims a forum (#WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft on Facebook and Twitter) for educating the public on the complicated nature of abusive relationships,” says Petrushka.
CBS host James Brown even challenged the NFL community and men in general to address this type of violence against women and work on promoting healthy relationships.
“We can all help by recognizing the indicators and reaching out to our patients, friends and relatives when you suspect abuse. Identifying and getting victims connected to resources will help,” says Petrushka.
Be sensitive to those in the situation and choose words of support carefully when you do learn of abuse happening in a relationship, she says. For example, instead of saying, “Why don’t you just leave?” It might be more helpful to say, “I’m so sorry this is happening. Thank you for telling me. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. How can I help?”
“We need to honor the strength that is required to survive in a violent home and support those in these situaations as they determine the best course for staying safe,” says Petrushka.
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About the Author
health enews staff is a group of experienced writers from our Advocate Health Care and Aurora Health Care sites, which also includes freelance or intern writers.
I went to a Domestic Violence lecture called Dear Lisa at my school. It’s very sad to hear stories about victims being in abusive relationships. Fortunately, there are resources to get help.
Thank you for this piece.
I’m glad this piece was written. It has all been said a thousand times before, yet for some reason it refuses to stick in the minds of our society. I have heard many people victim blaming over this situation also. It’s additonally unfortunate that many are blaming via social media which victims who have not told anyone about their abuse see the messages that reconfirm that they deserve it or that no one wants to help or understand them. This results in further isolation and dependance on the abusing partner.
It’s my personal opinion that victim blaming is a defense mechanism that allows for people to tell themselves that they “could never let that happen to me.” It is understandable that people want to believe that they’re above becoming subjugated in this manner. However, this is despite significant evidence that victims of intimate partner violence stay rather than escape. The psychology behind abuse is complex and victims needed to be treated with empathy and understanding, not further emotional abuse by the victim blamers.
We need to keep spreading this message every time the issue comes up in order to show those who are currently being abused that it’s not their fault, and there are people who understand.
Thank you again for the reminder.
Thank you for a great article on a very important topic!
Thanks! This is such a tough topic, but hopefully it will help someone and teach us all how to better respond.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this article. Years ago there was hardly anything published on abuse or places to go. Close to me was such a situation and it took years for victim and children to escape and find a safe place and ways to support themselves.
How some in todays society can hold the victim somehow accountable is (for the victim) like going through the abuse again.
Thank you for allowing me to make that one point.
I’m so glad you found this article valuable, Annette. I hope it helps others too!