What you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving
It can be hard to know what you should say to someone who is grieving. After all, you want to comfort them, not add to their pain.
Kim Davies-Robinet, a psychologist at Aurora Health Care, says there are ways to express concern and be there for a person in your life who needs support. But it’s important to realize that you can’t heal their grief with words, but you can provide comfort.
“It’s important to keep in mind that you shouldn’t be afraid to talk about the loss and acknowledge you are thinking about them,” Davies-Robinet says. “Try to avoid using cliches or platitudes. Also, avoid using phrases focused on moving on.”
Other examples of what NOT to say:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “At least they’re in a better place.”
- “At least they’re no longer suffering.”
Instead, Davies-Robinet recommends:
- Addressing their loss and acknowledging that it’s difficult to know what to say.
- Telling them they don’t need to respond. This releases them from any expectation to reply.
- Leading with empathy if it is true to your relationship. This may be “I’m sorry.” or “I love you.”
- Walking down memory lane by sharing stories and showing you care.
- Continuing to reach out because support from others often diminishes with time.
Remember each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Being a supportive person in their life can help ease their pain as they begin to heal.
If you or someone you know is exhibiting signs of emotional distress, call or text the suicide & crisis lifeline at 988.
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